I’ve not written in awhile. In part due to that dreaded word “busy-ness,” but also a hibernation period. The last couple posts created a stir in my family & I was tested. So I hibernated. But, how can I write about speaking the truth, and then go into hibernation? So, Winter came, I hunkered down, and now Spring arrives & you realize you’re grateful for the test because it allowed you time to stay true to yourself.
It made me think of death…and then birth. Of loss…and then of gaining.
In November, something fairly key happened for me, as silly as it may sound. For the first time in 2+ years, I had a full head of my own hair. I went to the stylist, got my usual cut (I could say I got highlights but duh, you kids know I’m a natural blonde 😉) and then…instead of my hairdresser doing the last step of the routine for the last 2+ years – which involved, putting in hair extensions, I said “I think I’m done.”
In 2015, which I have referenced before as a most challenging year, I literally lost my hair. I ignored it at first – it was just odd chunks coming out on my brush – I thought it was maybe new shampoo or hormones. And although I noticed it, and had a feeling something bigger was wrong, I just was silent about it. But in the Summer of 2015, when I was done getting my hair done, the stylist pulled off the foil sheets…and my hair came straight off with it. I was terrified.
That moment when I looked in the mirror at my half-broken hair, I wept uncontrollably because I felt so broken myself. My stylist was so compassionate – it wasn’t her fault. Over the course of the year, the stress had become so overwhelming that my hair started to fall out gradually and then in chunks. When I went for the highlights, my hair just couldn’t sustain the treatment and it, literally, fell off. Sara, my stylist, kept saying that the stress can cause this to happen eachi time I went for a touch up earlier in the year, but I was so involved in survival that year, and functioning, that I didn’t think it was “that bad.”
So, she sweetly suggested extensions. And between extensions, and a ton of Biotin & even more collagen (along with therapy, healing work, forgiveness & a LOT of shedding and letting go), I began a path to gain what I had lost (in so many ways). The desire to “rise again” filled me more, finally, than the desire to suffer. I became obsessed with wanting to “save myself” & did all I could to find peach & happiness again. <This is actually how Just BE Kitchen finally “came alive” – it had been an idea for so long, but I literally started to put things into action fully because I was obsessed with my re-birth after pieces of me had died>.
Funnily enough, I think now of my hair being part of the “shedding” and “letting go” that I needed to do.
Slowly but surely over the 2+ years, my hair has gotten stronger. I kept reducing the amount of extensions put into my hair every time & did a lot of hair care. But I too, have gotten stronger. When I looked in the mirror at that girl with frazzled hair half broken above the ears, and the sadness in her eyes, I knew she wasn’t destined for that kind of suffering. So she began her re-birth. Her resurrection. Her growth. Her gain.
The interesting thing is that before writing this post, only a handful of souls in my life know what happened. Sure, some people guessed or saw that I had extensions & I giggled or talked about how thin/fine my hair was, but only a few know the reason why.
Because for some odd reason, we are ashamed of the brokenness, or the loss, or the death – of a part of our lives. I was embarrassed about my hair, until I thought of Cancer victims who so proudly show the courage of their bare heads. I felt shame of so many events of that year – of what happened in relationships, of how I had been betrayed, of how I was devastated of losing someone who had tested me on my own worth. And, there was nothing to be shameful about, it was just an opportunity for growth & expansion.
When I was able to be fully extension free in November it was so liberating and freeing. Like I had been hiding under the extensions & could now take off the mask of shame. And I realized, it was more than that.
It was really one of life’s amazing ways to show that with every loss. There’s a gain. That death is necessary…for resurrection. That when any chapter closes, another one opens.
It’s so natural when you think about it – your skin creates dead skin, to shed and make way for new, healthy skin. My hair, “shed” the dying parts of me, to make way for the new, healthier part of me.
As I shake my head in the mirror and look at the waves in the back of it, I smiled today that this resurrection is all MINE. I did it. I grieved the loss…and now I have gained. Not just hair, but a BEtter version of me. BEtter hair, but a BEtter outlook for my life. I’m blessed for the “deaths” in life – dead ideas, dead beliefs, dead relationships or dead ideologies. Even the death of people who were put on Earth to teach you things about yourself & your life, however painful it the experience. Because without those, the birth of new things, people, etc couldn’t happen.
Whether you chose to put to rest parts of yourself that need resurrecting, or if you didn’t have a choice & suddenly are faced with the losses – the opportunity is the same. Grieve the losses, but be in wonder of the gains. One can’t exist without the other.
****If you want to learn about my routine for hair-regrowth, see below*****
- Daily: 2 capsules of NOW Biotin. Shot of collagen in my coffee or smoothie. I use both Vital Proteins and also Sports Research collagen. I still do both of these today. I also wash my hair every other day.
- 2x per week: I use a Kerastase serum. It’s pricy and although you can’t see what it actually does, my stylist swears by it. https://www.kerastase-usa.com/initialiste/KIN0000.html?gclid=Cj0KCQjwzIzWBRDnARIsAAkc8hHYjDdqZuNGBE_VcgRqZI0Zf95nl7ryKEXl-VTsnyrlCoH8_E28ShAaAm2BEALw_wcB
- Shampoo/Conditioner: I actually used deep conditioning from Kerastase and I rotated the “types.” This was in part because the extensions need heavy conditioning – I don’t use such a heavy conditioner on my thin/fine REAL hair, but it helped during the process of re-growth.
- Regular Cuts – I hated going to get a hair cut as I felt it was taking off more of what I didn’t have. But I think taking off the weight of the ends was helpful for new growth to happen.
On a whole, I think the reduced stress, loving myself and healing, combined with a ton of Biotin and Collagen is really what helped. But I wanted to share this overall.